I mostly want to write this down because I am trying not to forget an old feeling that up until earlier this evening, I had forgotten. Now that it's here in my mind I'm not ready to let it go.
I just miss the days of summer. Not just the days of being a child, not the days of being five, but the days of being twelve, fourteen, seventeen.
Honestly, the last truly great summer, the last one to make me feel younger than I was was when I was seventeen. Before we moved, before our swimming pool was ripped down, even before Harry Potter ended.
I remember in June as Eliot and I anticipated graduation, we spent most of our time talking about what it would be like when we were finally free of high school.
One of my favorite weeks was around the second week of June. We went on our senior class trip to some indoor fun place, and it had laser tag and free pizza all day. We rode on the indoor dubstep teacups ride for like three hours. And after that we had to lie down on a jungle gym that we weren't technically supposed to be on. It was one of the few times I didn't feel bad about "breaking the rules". I was just there with my friends, and with people I barely knew.
Eliot and I were terrified we would puke on the bus ride home, and when we got back to his house we floated around in the pool for a few hours, praying that the sick feeling would go away.
Probably during the same week we had our senior prank. Eliot and I and a few friends plus most of our senior class got together to put sticky notes all of the school building. We posted streamers everywhere and someone even stole a plastic deer from someone's yard to put in the stairwell.
The secretary told us we couldn't do it, so we waited until she went home, which of course made it that much better.
I remember how much fun I had being with everyone. Eliot and I went swimming when we got home for hours. We made a strong whirl pool and he convinced me to start watching doctor who. I was so happy my dad let me stay out swimming until midnight even though I had school the next day. I finally felt like a "real" teenager for a few minutes.
It's days like that that I miss the most. The days where I was just happy to be a part of it. Of everything, really.
But the feeling isn't belonging, it's almost a homesickness for what you know won't last much longer.
Swimming in late August where you were boiling hot and swimming all day, until it's around 7pm and the sun is setting. It's a little cooler out and suddenly the water feels warm. A few leaves are in your pool and the sunlight is only touching the outermost edge of the water. The water looks dark blue, and the grass is green, and when you emerge from the water you rush to that last patch of sunlight next to the fence to dry off just a bit. Just before we go to Eliot's for hot dogs and fireworks. We always mention the time they shot at us on that little hill.
Nowadays I am trying to be new. I am trying to figure myself out while also avoiding it because I am terrified. I want to smoke and party and go hiking with my friends and talk about nothing.
I want to have a girls' night and I want to go shopping and talk about celebrities. I want to go on that road trip we've always talked about and not be afraid.
I want to be an artist but I am afraid to start. It's hard making something out of a white blank piece of paper, but I just did it didn't I?
This post was blank and this blog was abandoned months ago, until I thought of something worthwhile to try and describe.
I want to pay for school and get A's and get a job. I want to be irresponsible and to party. I'm basically a typical teen/young adult. I can't decide if it's harder or easier knowing that everyone has felt or is feeling this way.
I feel like it's harder to get what I want because everyone wants it. It's easier knowing that I'll come out of this knowing who I am, or at least knowing who I really need to be.
I will never be this perfect mix of all the things I just mentioned. Because I spend too much time with netflix and my cat. And I'm okay with it.
But then I remember the old days where I had no worries, not real ones. And I remember how much life has been worth it for me. And I know I can feel that way again if I just step outside once in a while. So I am going to try. Maybe it's just the midnight me talking, knowing that for now all I can do is blog about it. Maybe tomorrow will be me doing nothing and seeing no one and backing out of the plans I'm making.
Hopefully it won't be that way. Hopefully I'll treat the "good ole' college years" like they're meant to be treated.
It's 2013, and I want to do these things:
1 Try something new
2 go on that road trip
3 finish a damn art project
4 make more time for my friends
5 try to be who i want to be
6 not let my introverted side take over completely
7 have a great summer and spend more of it outside
8 read 20 books bc 40 is too many for me obvs
9 see some fireworks (whaat i'm feeling nostalgic)
10 go to at least one concert
11 go somewhere and paint something. even if it's the back yard
12 see catching fire at midnight. cannot wait okay
13 this one shall be a mystery cuz i can't think of a 13th thing
oh and i got my first ~real~ kiss soooo
2012 was pretty good
1. books read: what, like 6? i'm the worst. i'm busy
2. got my license
3. i continued my art project, and started a blog
4.got okay grades. failed one class. making up for it now
5. the money situation got hard with paying for school
6. did more hiking, went on a rope swing. scary/fun omg
7. i walked home from work a lot? so i guess i exercised more...
8. saw hunger games at midnight YES
9. i baked a cake! for louise's bday
10. started new nano. sucked. boooo.
11. didn't do a new hair color. i'm actually letting it go blonde now
12. didn't start the podcast but we did a practice one
also i saw marina in concert TWICE. started watching lost (which i just finished a couple weeks ago SOBS). saw so so many good movies. spent a lot of time with the sibs. not a terrible year ;)
Recommended Listening:
1. I Hurt Too - Katie Herzig
2. Some Nights - Fun.
3. Glockenspiel Song - Dog is Dead
4. Just a Game - Birdy
5. Don't Go - Rae Morris
6. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep
7. Echo - Jason Walker
8. Here We Go - The Spring Standards
9. Wake Me Up - Ed Sheeran
10. Big Machine - Mark Duplass
11. Family - Noah Gundersen*
*i'm having a lot of vampire diaries emotions
anyway, new year, new books list. hopefully it won't be too short D:
Books Read:
1. Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion
1. Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion
Currently Reading:
Rise of Nine, Casual Vacancy, City of Lost Souls, Great Gatsby, Catcher in the Rye, plus I bought like 6 other books that are all waiting to be read. I have a lot to do.
Anyway, apologies for the cheese in this post, future self. i get weird. it's fine. whatever. i don't feel like proofreading this so let's hope it's not awful
