trying

I always want to recreate a feeling through art but it is honestly one of the most impossible things to do. UGH.

I mostly want to write this down because I am trying not to forget an old feeling that up until earlier this evening, I had forgotten. Now that it's here in my mind I'm not ready to let it go.

I just miss the days of summer. Not just the days of being a child, not the days of being five, but the days of being twelve, fourteen, seventeen.

Honestly, the last truly great summer, the last one to make me feel younger than I was was when I was seventeen. Before we moved, before our swimming pool was ripped down, even before Harry Potter ended.

I remember in June as Eliot and I anticipated graduation, we spent most of our time talking about what it would be like when we were finally free of high school.

One of my favorite weeks was around the second week of June. We went on our senior class trip to some indoor fun place, and it had laser tag and free pizza all day. We rode on the indoor dubstep teacups ride for like three hours. And after that we had to lie down on a jungle gym that we weren't technically supposed to be on. It was one of the few times I didn't feel bad about "breaking the rules". I was just there with my friends, and with people I barely knew. 

Eliot and I were terrified we would puke on the bus ride home, and when we got back to his house we floated around in the pool for a few hours, praying that the sick feeling would go away.

Probably during the same week we had our senior prank. Eliot and I and a few friends plus most of our senior class got together to put sticky notes all of the school building. We posted streamers everywhere and someone even stole a plastic deer from someone's yard to put in the stairwell. 

The secretary told us we couldn't do it, so we waited until she went home, which of course made it that much better.

I remember how much fun I had being with everyone. Eliot and I went swimming when we got home for hours. We made a strong whirl pool and he convinced me to start watching doctor who. I was so happy my dad let me stay out swimming until midnight even though I had school the next day. I finally felt like a "real" teenager for a few minutes.

It's days like that that I miss the most. The days where I was just happy to be a part of it. Of everything, really.

But the feeling isn't belonging, it's almost a homesickness for what you know won't last much longer.

Swimming in late August where you were boiling hot and swimming all day, until it's around 7pm and the sun is setting. It's a little cooler out and suddenly the water feels warm. A few leaves are in your pool and the sunlight is only touching the outermost edge of the water. The water looks dark blue, and the grass is green, and when you emerge from the water you rush to that last patch of sunlight next to the fence to dry off just a bit. Just before we go to Eliot's for hot dogs and fireworks. We always mention the time they shot at us on that little hill.

Nowadays I am trying to be new. I am trying to figure myself out while also avoiding it because I am terrified. I want to smoke and party and go hiking with my friends and talk about nothing.

I want to have a girls' night and I want to go shopping and talk about celebrities. I want to go on that road trip we've always talked about and not be afraid.

I want to be an artist but I am afraid to start. It's hard making something out of a white blank piece of paper, but I just did it didn't I?

This post was blank and this blog was abandoned months ago, until I thought of something worthwhile to try and describe.

I want to pay for school and get A's and get a job. I want to be irresponsible and to party. I'm basically a typical teen/young adult. I can't decide if it's harder or easier knowing that everyone has felt or is feeling this way.

I feel like it's harder to get what I want because everyone wants it. It's easier knowing that I'll come out of this knowing who I am, or at least knowing who I really need to be.

I will never be this perfect mix of all the things I just mentioned. Because I spend too much time with netflix and my cat. And I'm okay with it.

But then I remember the old days where I had no worries, not real ones. And I remember how much life has been worth it for me. And I know I can feel that way again if I just step outside once in a while. So I am going to try. Maybe it's just the midnight me talking, knowing that for now all I can do is blog about it. Maybe tomorrow will be me doing nothing and seeing no one and backing out of the plans I'm making.

Hopefully it won't be that way. Hopefully I'll treat the "good ole' college years" like they're meant to be treated.

It's 2013, and I want to do these things:

1 Try something new

2 go on that road trip

3 finish a damn art project

4 make more time for my friends

5 try to be who i want to be

6 not let my introverted side take over completely

7 have a great summer and spend more of it outside

8 read 20 books bc 40 is too many for me obvs

9 see some fireworks (whaat i'm feeling nostalgic)

10 go to at least one concert

11 go somewhere and paint something. even if it's the back yard

12 see catching fire at midnight. cannot wait okay

13 this one shall be a mystery cuz i can't think of a 13th thing

oh and i got my first ~real~ kiss soooo

2012 was pretty good

1. books read: what, like 6? i'm the worst. i'm busy

2. got my license

3. i continued my art project, and started a blog

4.got okay grades. failed one class. making up for it now

5. the money situation got hard with paying for school

6. did more hiking, went on a rope swing. scary/fun omg

7. i walked home from work a lot? so i guess i exercised more...

8. saw hunger games at midnight YES

9. i baked a cake! for louise's bday

10. started new nano. sucked. boooo.

11. didn't do a new hair color. i'm actually letting it go blonde now

12. didn't start the podcast but we did a practice one

also i saw marina in concert TWICE. started watching lost (which i just finished a couple weeks ago SOBS). saw so so many good movies. spent a lot of time with the sibs. not a terrible year ;)

Recommended Listening:

1. I Hurt Too - Katie Herzig

2. Some Nights - Fun.

3. Glockenspiel Song - Dog is Dead

4. Just a Game - Birdy

5. Don't Go - Rae Morris

6. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep

7. Echo - Jason Walker

8. Here We Go - The Spring Standards

9. Wake Me Up - Ed Sheeran

10. Big Machine - Mark Duplass

11. Family - Noah Gundersen*

*i'm having a lot of vampire diaries emotions

anyway, new year, new books list. hopefully it won't be too short D:

Books Read:
1. Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion

Currently Reading:

Rise of Nine, Casual Vacancy, City of Lost Souls, Great Gatsby, Catcher in the Rye, plus I bought like 6 other books that are all waiting to be read. I have a lot to do.

Anyway, apologies for the cheese in this post, future self. i get weird. it's fine. whatever. i don't feel like proofreading this so let's hope it's not awful

The Heat is Hot

Okay, I don't usually like posting movie reviews and such because this blog isn't about movies. Well, it isn't really about anything in particular and for now I'd like to keep it that way. However, I just watched one of those life-changing movies and I really need to write about it right now while it's in my mind.

I just watched the movie Safety Not Guaranteed and I'm not even sure what to say about it. BUT I will try.

So earlier this year I heard about this movie on YouTube. The only thing I knew was that the cast was fabulous and that it was based on a real ad about time travel. Skip forward a few months and the trailer was released. I can't count how many times I watched that 2 and 1/2 minute preview. I showed it to my whole family insisting that we had to go see it.

Unfortunately, by the time it was out in theaters I had 
1. Seen way too many movies already. I saw Prometheus on the day SNG was released.
and 2. I was on vacation in Cape Cod and was stuck without a car when I was at home, so there was never really a good time to see it.
By the time anyone had a chance to go with me, it wasn't in any theaters near us anymore.

So I waited patiently until it was released on DVD 2 days ago. I ordered it on Amazon but it won't be here for a while, so, being the crazy person that I am, I went and got it at Redbox today. (I mean, it's a dollar so why not?!)

I knew I loved it the second it started. The DVD even had good previews. I'm sure many would agree, I basically am Darius. Anti-social angry/sarcastic...person. That whole montage of her at the beginning stuck with me instantly. That is basically my life.

Seeing Kenneth's and Darius' relationship grow within just an hour and a half was amazing to me. Some movies move too slowly or too quickly in the time span they have. This one was not only perfectly paced but also very surprising. The trailer makes you believe it shows you a good portion of the movie, but really it shows mostly setup. 
It leaves out the other intern, and the boss, and the side love~ story that's going on. It fails to mention that Kristen Bell is in it (WHAT). 
I didn't expect to see an armed robbery, or the reason why the people were following Kenneth.

The part that stuck with me most was the bit about hearing your favorite song and how it's different later, and as much as you want to feel that feeling again you just can't. So true and sad and wonderful at the same time.
And of course, spoilers~~, the end. From the reviews I'd read, I figured the end leaves you wondering whether he could really do it. I was completely shocked that they really went somewhere. I have chills writing about it.

This movie just had the indie charm I love so much. I could just relate so much, while also laughing at the perfect jokes. Plus Darius had an amazing wardrobe. 
I don't know what else to say. It's hard to write about something that was so amazing. I am at a loss for words. I might try to draw or something.

Anywho, school is going well. Nothing too stressful has happened or anything, and we're already a bit more than halfway through the semester. I'm trying to do more art and read more books instead of watching so much TV. Mostly I watch The OC and nothing of real value. It's been fun. 
But I think I'm done here for tonight. GOOOOOODBYE.

Kenneth: To go it alone or to go with a partner. When you choose a partner you have to have compromises and sacrifices, but it's a price you pay. Do i want to follow my every whim and desire as I make my way through time and space, absolutely. But at the end of the day do I need someone when I'm doubting myself and I'm insecure and my heart's failing me? Do I need someone who, when the heat gets hot, has my back? 
Darius: So, do you? 
Kenneth: I do. 

Recommended Listening:

1. I Hurt Too - Katie Herzig

2. Some Nights - Fun.

3. Glockenspiel Song - Dog is Dead

4. Just a Game - Birdy

5. Don't Go - Rae Morris

6. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep

7. Echo - Jason Walker

8. Here We Go - The Spring Standards

9. Wake Me Up - Ed Sheeran

10. Big Machine - Mark Duplass

Books Read:
1. The Fault in our Stars by John Green

2. Percy Jackson Book 5 by Rick Riordan

3. I Am Number Four by Pittacus Lore

4. The Power of Six by Pittacus Lore

5. Divergent by Veronica Roth

6. Insurgent by Veronica Roth

Currently Reading:

I Finally got back into The Rise of Nine. Trying to finish that up while also working on NaNoWriMo. After that will be City of Lost Souls, The Casual Vacancy, and the million other books I bought and still haven't touched. UGH.

Rainy Days

I love rainy days. They make me happy. You know what else makes me happy? The fact that I finally got my drivers license this morning! It was scary, but I did it, and now I am about to drive myself to school for an art club meeting.

Also I started The Casual Vacancy yesterday and somehow I'm already hooked. I don't know why I said somehow. This is JKR we're talking about here.

Anyway, I'm going to be late so this post has to be cut short. I'll probably write more once I finish one of the four books I'm currently reading.

I am a slacker

Well hey there. So...I didn't write all summer. Honestly every time I thought about it I'd just say, "Well, there's enough short text posts about my life on my Tumblr. There's no need to write a whole blog post!" Plus I'm ashamed because the last time I finished an entire book was in May. That was 3 and 1/2 months ago. SHAME.

I guess I'll just summarize the important stuff. I changed my major to visual fine arts last month, and I'm taking only art classes this semester. It's kind of scary but also I finally feel like I'm doing the right thing. No idea what kind of job I'll get or anything but I have a feeling that it'll all work out. I also took another step toward adulthood by finally taking driver's ed in July and then getting my butt down to the DMV to take my written driver's test which, thankfully, I passed. I'm going to take the driving test in October, and then I'll finally be able to drive the lovely little green car that's been taunting me from the driveway for the past few days.

I also did a few fun things this summer, though I will admit I mostly hung out with the Sibs. I can't help it that I only have like 3 friends! I saw Batman at midnight with Sarah and Eliot, and Sarah cried and it was adorable. I also went to the Farmington River and used the rope swing there, which was amazing and terrifying. It took all the courage I had to finally just jump, but it was so fun once I did. The only thing that worried me besides letting go too soon was the fact that the river is like 70 feet deep. When I stretched my legs out the water felt so so cold and I couldn't help but wonder if there was a scary river creature in the depths beneath me.

Other than that adventure I spent a lot of time working on my art, while also watching a lot of TV. I recently started The O.C. and it's awful but hey, TV is fun so why not watch ALL THE THINGS?!

Which reminds me, I got to have a great day in New York City with Susie on August 25, which ended with me sitting about 20 feet away from MATT SMITH AND KAREN GILLAN. Yes, I went to the NYC screening of Asylum of the Daleks. Mostly the day consisted of sitting on a train and standing in line, but the actual screening part was so perfect. Matt and Karen are wonderful, and the episode was great, and it turned out Murray Gold was there which was almost too much for me to handle. Important note: I cried several times that day. During the episode, obviously, but also when the audience lifted their sonic screwdrivers together, and clapped the master's four beats, and when matt and karen walked out, and when murray gold stood up. I CRIED LIKE A WEIRDO. I just love Doctor Who hehehe. I wish I could've posted about this sooner but we had to keep all the episode stuff a secret or whatever. 

And the weekend before that, I saw my favorite Marina and the Diamonds live at Six Flags. She sang Lies and it was my favorite thing ever. Wow, now that I'm writing it all down I realize how great this summer was. I'll need to make a video soon!

Anyway, I can't really think of anything else to say. Other than some Louise-related drama my week has been going well. I'm super happy that the week is almost over though. And that it's almost fall! Finally!

I guess I'll be off then. BYEYeyYEYEYE.

Recommended Listening:

1. I Hurt Too - Katie Herzig

2. Some Nights - Fun.

3. Glockenspiel Song - Dog is Dead

4. Just a Game - Birdy

5. Don't Go - Rae Morris

6. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep

7. Echo - Jason Walker

8. Here We Go - The Spring Standards

9. Wake Me Up - Ed Sheeran

Books Read:
1. The Fault in our Stars by John Green

2. Percy Jackson Book 5 by Rick Riordan

3. I Am Number Four by Pittacus Lore

4. The Power of Six by Pittacus Lore

5. Divergent by Veronica Roth

6. Insurgent by Veronica Roth

Currently Reading:

I am literally the worst. I'm "reading" AKA avoiding The Rise of Nine and City of Lost Souls. After that I want to read The Great Gatsby.

IT'S JUNE

Oops I skipped over the month of May! I had this great review of Insurgent all planned out but now I can't remember enough details to write a full post about it.


Anyway, since I last showed up here I finished my first year if college. And  got 3 A's and a B! Not bad at all. I got so excited I cried. I realize this is kind of strange. I also attended a 24 hour drawing marathon at school back in April. It made me kind of almost officially decide to major in art, plus I met a lot of new people. I even went to see The Avengers with a few of them, which by the way was SUCH A GOOD MOVIE. I saw it twice.
Speaking of which, I noticed recently that I've been seeing so many movies in theaters this year! I saw The Woman in Black, The Hunger Games (twice), Cabin in the Woods (which has become one of my favorite movies ever), The Avengers (twice), and Snow White and the Huntsman, which I guiltily adored. 
And I still have plans to see Prometheus, Safety Not Guaranteed, Breaking Dawn, and Perks. Le siiiiiigh it's a good year for movies.


Since school ended I've been working and then spending the rest of my free time doing nothing productive. It's been super fun. I've watched a ton of new tv shows while neglecting to finish old ones that I started (aka Gossip Girl, Being Human, Veronica Mars, and Torchwood). Granted, I only have 4 episodes left of Veronica Mars and it all depends on when Sherri has time to watch them.


I watched all of Luther, and I ship John and Alice so hard, yo. I also got into Pretty Little Liars, obvi. Season 3 started an hour ago, and I still have season 2 to watch. Plus I got into Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23, and it's so hilarious. And I can't forget my new favorite show, Community. Eliot and I agree that it is super accurate about real community college except we have less fun than they do.


I also read...one book. But I have so many more that I will be reading soon.
Okay, I think I'll stop here. I'm not in the writing mood but tumblr is dead and I have nothing else to do. BYEEEE.

Recommended Listening:

1. I Hurt Too - Katie Herzig

2. Some Nights - Fun.

3. Glockenspiel Song - Dog is Dead

4. Just a Game - Birdy

5. Don't Go - Rae Morris

6. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep

7. Echo - Jason Walker

8. Here We Go - The Spring Standards

Books Read:
1. The Fault in our Stars by John Green

2. Percy Jackson Book 5 by Rick Riordan

3. I Am Number Four by Pittacus Lore

4. The Power of Six by Pittacus Lore

5. Divergent by Veronica Roth

6. Insurgent by Veronica Roth

Currently Reading:

I have exactly 1 page left of Harry Potter 1 that I've been avoiding for no reason. I'm actually focusing on reading City of Lost Souls, which I'm enjoying much more than I enjoyed City of Fallen Angels. After CoLS I'll be reading the next Percy Jackson books...but they're not Percy Jackson. Heroes of Olympus, I believe.

ANYWAY. I have nothing else to say, for real. <3

Gone with the Wiiiiiiiind

Hi again, bloggy blog.
Over the weekend I watched Gone with the Wind for the very first time with Susie. She and I made a deal like 2 years ago: I would watch Gone with the Wind if she would watch the first two X-men movies, (because the third one isn't that great, and she'd already seen it for some reason).


We watched one X-men movie and then I swore I'd watch GwtW soon. Apparently soon meant 2 years later because it took a while. Anyway, I absolutely loved it. I was surprised by how not-boring it was and by how rad Scarlet is. 
The last twenty minutes were tragic; I just kept staring at Susie with my mouth hanging open in shock every two seconds. I'd like to think that someday she gets Rhett back. The music was also SO beautiful. I just hated that one girl who claimed she knew how to deliver a baby and then DIDN'T. 


Also I've been thinking more about what to do for my next 3D Design project and I actually have a decent idea! Hooray for productivity (she said as she avoided studying for her science exam).
Okay, I'm going to watch Pretty Little Liars until my brain rots/my next class starts. I just wanted to make a little post since I can't get it out of my mind. Happy Monday!

Recommended Listening:

1. I Hurt Too - Katie Herzig

2. Some Nights - Fun.

3. Glockenspiel Song - Dog is Dead

4. Just a Game - Birdy

5. Don't Go - Rae Morris

6. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep

7. Echo - Jason Walker

Books Read:
1. The Fault in our Stars by John Green

2. Percy Jackson Book 5 by Rick Riordan

3. I Am Number Four by Pittacus Lore

4. The Power of Six by Pittacus Lore

5. Divergent by Veronica Roth

Currently Reading:

I'm really close to finishing the first Harry Potter. After that I'll read Jacob Have I Loved and then a book by Rick Riordan. It's not a Percy Jackson book but I think he makes a guest appearance? We'll see.

Trying New Things

Well, hello there!

It's been about 2 weeks since I last posted, and since then not very much has happened. I worked, I studied, I made some art, the usual.

The sibs and I went to see The Cabin in the Woods last weekend. Of course I was expecting something great, since Joss Whedon was a part of it, but I was blown away by how much I loved it. I was terrified and watched a lot of it through my hands, but I was also laughing uncontrollably. We all agreed that our favorite line was, "He has a husband bulge". 

Anyway, this week we got a new project assigned in my 3D Design class. It's a self portrait through materials that represent you. It got me thinking about what represents me. Sure, I'm an introvert who loves reading and drawing and watching a lot of tv but there is more to me. I think I'd like to use photos in my project; pictures of my family and friends and the things I like. But, I was also thinking about creating a series of photos of me basically trying new things.

I don't always consider myself to be the bravest person ever. I can't sleep with a spider in the room, I'm terrified of heights, and I hate needles. But I can be brave when the situation calls for it.

Let's rewind for a moment to Christmas break 2008. I went with my family and my friend Jessie to my uncle's farm in Virginia. Down a little dirt road there's an old cemetery in the woods. All the graves are empty and the stones are barely legible; it's awesome during the day but a little more than creepy at night.

So, one night me, Jessie, the sibs, and my dad and uncle decided to take a trip to the cemetery because creepy things can be fun. I brought my camera just in case we found anything cool.

As soon as we entered the woods, everything went quiet. The flashlights died, the phones died, and my camera died. It was just like a horror movie. (I'm still convinced it was ghosts that caused this). 

About 2 minutes later we all started hearing screams. All I could think of was "drunken teen hunters with knives who are going to kill us". My uncle made this worse when he said in a low voice, "Hey, who's out there?", only to get louder (and closer) screams in response. 

At that point I wanted to get out of there. My dad and uncle are "tough guys" who aren't afraid of anything, but I personally did not want to be murdered. 

I decided to fake cry so my dad would take me seriously; in a cracked voice I whispered, "Dad? I think...we should leave". 

Finally the screams were right near us and we all gave up on standing up to them, (I had previously shouted "yeah thanks for scaring us. Happy new year"). We all started to run back to the road, screaming. 

There are only flashes of the next minute or so in my mind. The first is the moment right before we started running. Jessie hugged my dad and even though I was afraid, I thought (and still think) it was extremely funny.

The next part I remember is my dad falling into a bush while we were running. He simply looked up and started laughing, but in my fear-crazed mind I only thought about needing him there. There was no way I was running out onto a creepy road without my dad.

So, I lunged for him and pulled him up with my right arm. I guess it was an adrenaline rush because it was really easy to do.

By the time we got back onto the road, my uncle was cracking up, explaining that it was just the neighbors and that they had planned this horrible night.

It was an interesting evening. Anyway, my point is that I can be brave when I need to be. I'm not about to leave anyone behind in a crisis. And this led me to wondering, am I brave enough to try a bunch of new things?

As of today I decided I must be. So, I'm making it my goal to do something new, even if it's just cooking dinner. I'm sick of sitting back worrying about what might happen, because, even though it's so cliche, you never really know until you try it.

This post kind of went in a different direction than I was planning, but I guess that's okay. I need to go to sleep now; I have a 3 hour class at 9am tomorrow. Woooo!

Recommended Listening:

1. I Hurt Too - Katie Herzig

2. Some Nights - Fun.

3. Glockenspiel Song - Dog is Dead

4. Just a Game - Birdy

5. Don't Go - Rae Morris

6. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep

Books Read:
1. The Fault in our Stars by John Green

2. Percy Jackson Book 5 by Rick Riordan

3. I Am Number Four by Pittacus Lore

4. The Power of Six by Pittacus Lore

5. Divergent by Veronica Roth

Currently Reading:

I'm rereading the first Harry Potter for the second time in my life. It's been 5 years since I first read it!

After that I'm starting Jacob Have I Loved. :P